Understanding In A Car Crash

car crash and understanding

You judged me.

Somehow stumbled my way home yesterday. I was in a car accident. I was at fault. I was losing sight, I woke myself up in time to flash the end, and the explosion hit my face, but I somehow was ok.

What happened?

I took a loss.

I reached out to friends, that’s what they said I should do. “How is the car?” is what she said first. The first person I called, the latest person that I wanted to be with, a friend, something, then she shattered everything I was building within a breath. She wanted real, I told her of my past mistakes, and those mistakes triggered her, she said. She then said I ruined it. Ruined what? “We are not in a relationship”, she said. Then why did she say something to make me feel so small?

The accident sucked. My car is gone. I had a trunk full of skateboards, a coffee table, and well, hope. I had hoped for a brighter future, I hadn’t eaten, I was getting my anxiety medication from the pharmacy, then the car crash.

No one was hurt. The other cars were fine. The police officer was to the point, and a little rude. I called for help. I called my mother. What else was I supposed to do?

I made it home. I got a ride, I figured out that tomorrow is going to come again. I didn’t want it to, I wanted to end it then. But Sid and Ronnie need me, right? Ok, don’t do it. Don’t cut, don’t drown, don’t jump, just breathe.

Breathe.

I did everything I could all day to make it to this point. I breathed deeply, I counted to 10, I walked around, I asked for help, I tried everything. Nothing was working, and then I felt a sense of calm. There was a moment of calm before another storm started brewing, and I knew this was going to be a bad one.

Then it hit me. A baseball bat to the cranium, one that reminded me of a friend, who said that she would be ready to take it out whenever I felt such loathing. Well, friend, here I am, it’s time to put me out of my misery again.

“You’re going to have a regression”, she told me Sunday. I laughed, no way, and boom. “You hurt me”, “You disappointed me”, really? What the hell? I was honest. I made mistakes. I was a comfortable liar, I was someone that could easily cheat, I felt awful, but that was 2012 and this is 2019, and no matter what I say, you’ll come back at me with that cursed judgment call you made. It made me feel like I was nothing. All night I thought I was nothing, and now, I’m awake, back in my proverbial saddle, and I’m staring at the sun again.

My eyes burn.

I cried.

I took a shower.

I took care of me, I called for Uber, I rode to work quietly.

The walls in my house are bare. I keep them that way for now because I don’t want to deal with decorating. I come home to an empty apartment, to another blissful lie of a life that I said I wanted. I ruined it all. War within a breath, calm like a bomb, and I somehow figured out that all the bravado I had was hubris to her. It was hubris to everyone.

You reach out then, and well, I know the answer. “I don’t know”, is the worst thing someone can tell you, and if that’s the case, run. “I don’t know” is an ok answer, but if you want concrete, then it’s time to decide. Don’t let it linger, say what you want to say, say what you want to say to me, say it, and let me walk away from the fires that are engulfing my world.

Smoke rose from the car’s airbags. I was saved by technology, yet again. But now? I’m broken. I’m shattered. I’m not sure how to move forward, but someone said I’m strong. I’m ok. I’m going to make it. I’m important. This voice amidst the heaviest, and yet I want to return to where I was. I can’t go back.

I cannot be Ned Flanders again.

I’ve seen too much. I’ve done too much. My past sins, the ones that I’m shamed for are not the ones I should tell right, but you wanted ultimate truth, and therefore I gave you everything I had. You were the one that put up walls, so I showed you what it was like to not have any, and you condemned me for it and said it’s your right to do so, and it’s your right to feel the way you feel. You’re right. Then I have the right to stand tall too.

Yes I lied before.

Yes I have cheated.

Yes I was a broken man, I’ve been shattered, but I’ve also spent years laying down my life for others, and gave a love that I had never thought I could. It ended in break up, but for many years I was the best man I could be even in the face of illness, and depression, I stood there watching someone’s world burn and I jumped into the fire with them so that they wouldn’t be alone.

Yet, one sentence and rationalization is the catalyst for the end of this friendship that was blooming? So be it.

I talk a big game.

I’m deserving of more than this. So I’m going to step up, you make the decision, because if you don’t know, then I don’t want to wait any longer for you to figure it out. Give you time, sure, go back to the sea, there’s better than me, at least you think so.

I have no car.

I have no money.

All I have is a skateboard, and 2 cats. No food in the fridge, no future plans, my world shattered, and empty hands.

As I reflect on the worst few days of my life, all I can think of is burning it all down and walking away. But when you have nothing left to burn, it’s made easier, so maybe I’m taking an easy way out.

But hey, that’s my choice, right?

Fuck the day.

References

“At Zero (Sam Simeon)” by Zao

“Understanding In A Car Crash” by Thursday

“Five Year Winter” by Zao

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