The famous line. There is no one else. I heard it in 2011, then after some time, she admitted that there was. She left me for him. That one hurt. I picked up the pieces of my broken heart, flew back to Los Angeles, and relearned what it was to be me. I started smoking, I took up drinking, I was depressed, and had no direction. Then I attempted to meet people, and by some random act of luck, was able to find people that were as broken as I was, and would influence me to find a new path.
Fast forward, we are in 2019, I write this in September, and I recently had to put to rest something I thought was love, and it was not. It was written about twice now, and another chapter comes swooping in today, and now I’m reeling as to what I can do, where I can go, and who do I tell. Since I have no one to do that with, I’m going to let it out here, and talk about the elements that are causing me to question everything, and nothing all at once. This dichotomy has me broken, and yet it shouldn’t, right?
“How many times
Can I push it aside
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone
Move on with my life
Be certain the steps of left and right don’t fight the direction of upright
I’d rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can’t change now
If I become what I can’t accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it
It’s time to decide
Which is out of my mind
Cause it’ll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
I’ll watch the glint in my eye
Shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of you that I reflect
Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could’ve done better but what good do what ifs do”
That’s all I can think about as I write this. It’s lyrics from the band Relient K, and the song is “Forget and Not Slow Down”. I didn’t care when my ex wife told me she had sex with someone else. I may have been drunk when she told me, but afterwards, I wasn’t mad. I knew we were done. I asked the next day if we were, she said she didn’t know. No one ever knows, until they do, and it’s always “I Don’t Know”, at first. No, you know, we all know.
Friends. We are just friends, I tell myself, as it’s revealed that a trip will take place. She will go to a new city, and will avoid answering the direct questions I keep asking, until I explicitly ask and wait. My heart heavy, my breathing starting to escape, I’m not sure what the answer is going to be straight up, or if she will even say anything, but I know in my heart it is. It’s him, the one that she told me would get to see her and they would become one flesh, and enjoy the process. So soon? She just dumped me. Wait, did we mutually decide that? I reflect on the recent events that have spiraled my depression and I don’t tell her, because why should I?
She’s going to another city, another state, she’s going to meet him they are going hug, they are going to kiss, and then they will have sex. These are the things that I can only imagine, but then why do they bother me? The reason is simple, I have been rejected, I was told I am nothing but a mistake, and that the “I Love You” that was given to me, the monogomy that was requested, the deliberate collapse of friendships, and so much more, were for nothing. Because now, she gets to go off and see someone else, and not feel like she’s cheating. Was she planning this the whole time?
So then, I’m reminded of “This Is The End”,
“I can’t keep a straight face and say this is not the end
Not if you want it it’s upon us and I wanna say it’s sinking in
This may sound crazy but I want to come back home
That’s it I said it now I’m sailing off to Neverland and then Japan
So think real slow
Don’t forget that yes is yes and no is no
About the way you want to go
Cause I may forget the way to get back home
This is the end if you want it
This is the end”
Friends. Friends don’t care if someone sleeps with someone else? Do they? I feel that it should be me. How does one get over that? I can’t seem to seperate my feelings from it, and all I want to do is get another chance. She said I was the best, perfect, and now, what? I’m not. I’m just another person in a long line of drunken nights, and attempts to find someone to fill that void left behind from another.
This is the fourth time this has happened. I find someone, I fall in love, they find that their previous worlds are mourned, they long for them, even if it was traumatic, even if they were abusive, I am not what they want, and so I am here, waving in the ocean, not drowning. I want to smash the gift she gave me. I want to throw away the letter she sent me, and I don’t know what to do.
My heart aches.
My mind is lost.
I’m at work, and I can only think of her and him, and the glory he gets that I will no longer get at all. Friends.
We are friends.
What the hell is friendship, when someone else who is also a friend gets her in an intimate way? Why do I feel so bad? This sucks. I’m having a hard time with my life right now. What can I say?
She’s going to him. She’s done with me. This reads like a 16 year old idiot. Well, I’m 20 years late, but this hurts just like when the first time this happened, and you know? Maybe I deserve this? Maybe this is what I deserve and will always deserve.
My heart, my love life, my sexual world, my conversations, my depression and so much more are hitting a boiling point, and all I can think of is the Cure.
“Go on, go on,
Just walk away
Go on, go on,
Your choice is made
Go on, go on,
Go on, go on,
Away from here”
She doesn’t care. She told me she didn’t want me to hurt. Well, this is what it feels like to hurt.
Remember, friends, well friends certainly cause heartache because that’s what I feel right now, nothing but the heartache. She tells me she has plans to visit him, and she is excited, meanwhile I can’t even get close enough to smell the familiar elements, and go back home. I just want to go back home now, head down, and defeated. I’m a sucker. She got me. She got me good, and now, I’m going to sit back down, and focus on something else.
I lose. I lose big. I’m done.