Slowing Down

They call it lightning in a bottle. That moment where everything connects, the butterflies come up, and you realize that you’re completely over the top saturated with feelings for someone new. What if it is not balanced? What if you found someone, were feeling it, but they weren’t.

In the past, I would assume that’s rejection. Not so fast now. We all have this trauma we carry. Some of us have it all sewn up and put away, and some of us are working through the elements to focus on a greater concept of good. Personally, I have been dealing with it in a way that I’ve always dealt with it, writing. However, recently I’ve hit a wall, a wall that has knocked some senses into me.

A trip to an art museum, walking around, talking, and trying to figure out what’s next in life, brought a new found glory. However, in this case, I didn’t make a move, I used my words, I held back, I was over caffeinated. Then it ended. An abrupt end, sure, and jovial disconnect, but it was just the first time, right? Is she my hot thing?

Then there was round two, a simple meeting, an invitation, and a couch and distance.

For once, time was not sped up.

I talk to much.

It’s a coping mechanism, I will talk circles around most people, and if you let me write, I can write like a house is on fire. I’ve never really talked about that aspect of my writing, but if you want me to throw some words into a page, I can do so fast. There’s a reason why I was a writer for 9 years and worked on less than a penny a word. I’m a hustler.

I have anxiety, so if you ask me questions I’m going to run with them, and not sure where I was going. I’m like Forrest Gump, just running for the sake of it, until it’s time to not run any longer. Have you ever rebelled against everything you believed? This needs to be me for me, I need to fix….

This is a first.

There’s no rush. Nothing. Not that I don’t want to rush into the next phase, the adult time, the moments where skin touches skin, and then what? Once that’s over, there’s a commitment ceremony? Or the flags that were once red are now double in size, and we are stuck trying to figure out “what does this all mean”?

In the past, I would be swimming in emotion, I would be dancing like in “500 Days of Summer”, but I’m not. Why? Why so reserved? What’s wrong with you?

Nothing. I recognize that I have an opportunity to be a co-captain in a paper boat, so to stay affloat, I’m going to allow freedom and movement to her. This is a friendship, company that is loved, and let’s keep it that way, until our hands navigate the boat to the shores of self-interest. Until then, things are going to be calm, doldrums, waiting for a lighthouse to come through.

We are not in darkness, but have felt the darkness, so there’s fear. She fears. She’s gaurded. She needs time. That’s ok. The greatest enemy we have is time, but it also is the one construct that fascinates me more than anything. Time is nothing. Distance is nothing. I have nothing but time, and within the minutes, the hours, the days, I’ll just be here, in the race of standing still.

I am not who I was before. I am a new person daily, and am chasing positive mental attitudes, and a new beginning each and every morning I wake up. So who is she? Is she whom the tarot cards told me? Or is the lover someone else? Is the one that is going to heal her coming next? It seems like I meet women that are hurt, and then realize that I’m not theirs, but I am a step to the next level, so I elevate them. I lift them up, I carry them, and then they get to go to the next level, to whom they deserve and me? Well I learn my lesson.

I’m made great through the climbing of the mountains, and the esoteric quest to truly be me. I am not like anyone else, and you may find that out, if you just stick around long enough. Until then, sometimes, I feel hollow, hollow again.

However, in my hollow existance, I fill myself up with words, bravado, and confidence, because only at my best, does this hell of a catch realize they are meant to be with me. Even if I’m broken, I know I can be fixed again, I know that rejection is nothing more than a decision made to venture somewhere else.

I’m not anxious. I’m not scared. For once, I recognize that I bring to the table a wealth of experience, and I know what I want. Even if she doesn’t say it, I know me, and I am the best me.

I leave this post with this, because it’s my heart, my sleeve, my life:

What if I said I was an accident waiting to happen
Would I trip and fall, fall on my words?
And would you say, say that I was wrong
My words were out of place
Went where I didn’t belong?
This to me is fact and fiction plays a role
Confusing situations that I can’t control
Heart of the matter, it beats with pride
Sometimes, I wear it on my sleeve
Sometimes, I keep it inside
And no one said it was gonna be easy
And I’m not afraid to try
And with the odds stacked up against me
I will have to fight
One life, one chance, gotta do it right
And I can’t let fate dictate what’s best for me
Gotta take control of my own destiny
You can’t relate, you think there’s no escape
But I got everything at stake here
Just to prove you wrong
And no one said it was gonna be easy
And I’m not afraid to try
And with the odds stacked up against me
I will have to fight
One life, one chance, gotta do it right

Swing set girl, ball is in your court, you get to figure out if I’m Ahab or Ishmael….what’s up?

References

“Hollow Again” by Project 86

“Steel Chairs” by Esoteric

“Fixing Broken Hearts” by Walls of Jericho

“Hot Thing” by Talib Kweli

“One Life, One Chance” by H20

“500 days of Summer”

“Forrest Gump”

“Poolhall Junkies”

“Moby Dick” by Herman Melville

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