Salt

It’s so simple, but when it is gone or absent, you know it. Salt. Salt is all I could compare my life to at the present. We are living in times where isolation is the key factor to survival. I’m isolated. I was already isolated, and I went out prior to find people that were in the same boat, only to find myself falling into a pit of vice that I did not like long term.

There were fun moments, but they were just moments.

I don’t want that life.

As the news keeps jarring us, bringing a new plague of realization, I sit here and type this to say that I’ve lost my salt. I lost it a while ago, but I did not recognize it until today. The elevation of things that I liked were made even better with that salt, that addition of flavor that newness and ability to season.

Without it, life is bland.

You learn to live without it. You learn to keep going without that taste, without that focus, without the enjoyment and the beauty that once served a purpose. It’s for health, it’s for wellness, it’s for a better tomorrow, right?

No salt diets aren’t bad. Some people can’t handle it, or had too much, but in the absence of it, what do you do?

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had too much caffeine. I thought about “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” again. I reached out to my sister, I tried to come to grips with what to do next. I’m confused. Should I move? Should I walk away from where I am and restart? Or do I create a new life here in the place that I was brought to by the salt mines? These are questions that are keeping me up at night. I am not sure how to contend with them.

I go to work. I say nothing to anyone, since we are all now starting to distance more and more in hopes of not catching the virus that fills the lungs of so many, and kills others. I miss the salt.

Life is bland. I don’t want to deal with the “likes” that I had, or the “loves” created with a partner, which is leaving my apartment walls empty, my future in decline, and my “now” hanging on to any goodness that is available.

You try new flavors, new condiments, you attempt to recreate that love affair with the salt that was once the main focal point of your life, and then what? You realize that there is no replacement. There are just masks that you put in your mouth, that you swallow, and you want to believe is ok.

Over time you learn to live with whatever hand you’re dealt. I know this, because I felt that in 2011. In 2020, I feel it again, playing the hand dealt.

“Let me keep this one memory…” the line keeps rattling in my brain. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is heavy on my heart. I want to move on, I want to delete the past, but I can’t. I want to hold onto the memories of new, of excitement, of change, of blessing and curse, and return to the salt that I once had. I lost it. I deliberately tested the waters, added too much, to where I became manic and lost all hope, which I was told was freedom.

I always asked, “if you cross that line, can you return?”, and the answer is, no. If you’re on the border, if you’re thinking of crossing certain lines, there are points of no return. I understand Lot’s wife, lookng back, turning into salt.

I tasted the sand, the ocean air, the salt in my eyes and soul yesterday. It was the first time in a long time that it happened. I missed Los Angeles. I can never go back to live there. I will never go back.

Have you ever felt like you could never go home?

I feel at home with salt. Yet I cannot have it.

Salt is a person.

Salt is the past.

Salt is the thing that I lost, and cannot get back.

The things that made life better with that addition, I am putting away. There is a closet in my heart that is going to get organized with the things that were made so special in that arena. I’m closing the door, and as I age, I will have to deal with the ups and downs alone. For how long?

I don’t know.

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