I turn right. The lights are dimming, the leaves are falling, and I’m going slowly into a new path. An open gate, a gas pedal pressed, this is where I belong.
A quiet parking lot, a darkness surrounds, I am where I am supposed to be.
There’s something within me that has changed, I feel it. There’s a jovial element to my step, and then someone decides to try and frame me as a flat emotional person.
I listen. I’m lost inside their thoughts, they lured me in, they have such beauty, kindness, and I envy. They are married, they’ve had lovers, they no longer want any, and I’m supposed to just be there to listen, and so I do. I sit on the stump of the giving tree, and I’m an old man, but she tries to teach me. I’ll sit here, no longer frightened by the vampires.
My mood shifted after we talked. I say we, but really it was just one sided. I no longer wanted to step up, I listened. The shade of the words reached over me, I am Jonah running away, I’m aware of what she means. I know she wants to help, but she doesn’t realize my last 9 days have shattered my core, and I had to put together something that was supposedly forever broken. As soon as the last piece was in place, the glowing heart in my body began to pump blood, and heal me.
I’m not happy.
I’m not depressed.
I’m in a place where I realize that I am who I am, and that is an amazing person, but that doesn’t mean that the world sees it and if that’s the case I’ll be ok with it. I don’t need the praise of palms, I’m good with being a background character in a movie plot that I am not in. However, if she reaches out, I listen, but we all know she doesn’t want me, not like I want her. It’s the classic trope, the longing for something you can not have. She was right for a second, I do want what I cannot have, especially when that person once said they wanted me to be raw, real, and honest, only to be judged.
Where were you that night? You knew the performance was at a certain time, and the begging didn’t give you even a sense of care? No Compassion?
You one up me.
I tell you I had an accident, you had a bigger one. I tell you I felt the sting of loss, you have someone that was worse. I tell you I’m starting to turn a corner, you found something greater. Why even talk to me? If I’m not miserable, your role is diminished, isn’t it?
The funny thing about interactions is how much pull is requested to be right. I’m a coin laundry loser, at least I paint myself as such, but if that’s really what someone dwells on, that’s fine. Discovering the value of someone is not a matter of looks, or one or two conversations, you have to give them space to shine. If I spread my wings, will you let me show you the scars that are attached to them? Nope.
I play in the world of your allotment. I told you I liked you and adored, and you only give me play for about a quarter of time maybe a little more, but it’s not that you like me, it’s that I reached out to you and you saw it. You felt good. Now you step on my hands as I try to climb up, and remind me that you are not in that frame of mind. You were hurt, you were broken, you don’t want to meet anyone, no.
You don’t want me.
People in today’s world need to say it, you don’t want me, not that you aren’t ready, not that you don’t want anyone, you don’t want me. You don’t want the one in front of you, and that right there is why I’m standing in a race where no one is moving. I’m going to win this race of standing still, I am going to eventually take this whole thing with me, and burn with me.
My best work is not seen, it’s not heard, beacuse ears do not want and eyes to not need what greatness you think I have.
“Others can see what you cannot see….”, she told me, then why is it that when I say I’m confident, you say I’m not. You turn things around so that I can still remember that you’re amazing, but when I asked you to spell out my name you didn’t. So here we go, Sleep and dream as the wind shapes into something else, and the very thing you’ve thought you created, will vanish into the skies like I said it would.
The wood creaks under my feet. I sit down in my empty room. This is the new hope, this is the new cavity that filled my heart, and that’s where I am going to remain. Because at the end of the day, no matter who you think I may be, I am not the one that is going to get to be with you when you realize that you want another. They get you, they get your seconds and thirds, and we know what everyone is about, looks.
“You think you’re the only person on earth who wakes up every morning wishing they were someone else?” – Troy Wedberg (Chris Owen), “Angus”
Doing everything I want to do
You will be there
I’m lonely, but everyone is lonely so at least I’m not alone…