Not With That Attitude

not with that attitude

It was freezing. Moscow, Idaho gets colder than any other place I’ve lived in up to that point. I was married at the time, and I was living in a deep depressive state, and we were set to go see a nativity scene production 8 miles away. I recall feeling frustrated, I was on unemployment, I couldn’t land a job even though I was highly educated. I couldn’t do anything, no major opportunities, and just felt like the world was turning without me.

My ex-in laws arrived, and we were ready to get going. There was an argument over money that came up, as it always came up. However, this time around, I was confident. Those that know me, know that I don’t really say a lot if we are arguing. If you argue with me, get ready for silence, and then heavy handed statements that are lacking superlatives. If I choose to spar with you verbally, chances are you’re going to get left behind, because if I turn on that part of my ego, I run people over. Knowing this, I decide not to argue with nearly all of the population, because I don’t like the notion of someone feeling bad because they are wrong. I’ll gladly just nod and let everyone think that they are right, but not this time. This time I was armed with a retort, and I spoke up.

“One day, we are going to be rich, and we won’t have to deal with these hardships of bills, and other issues.”

That was my mic drop statement. I was striving to be rich, I chased affiliate marketing, I was going to be a big man, and then the shattering words came through.

“We’ll never be rich,” she said.

“Not with that attitude,” I replied with a sense of confidence.

Heads turned. Three members of my now ex-family looked at me and gasped, and got angry at me. I had to apologize, and that was when I knew, the marriage was going to take a nose dive. I couldn’t be the provider she wanted, I couldn’t be the working man, while she stayed at home with kids. We had no kids, no pets, and well, it was just the beginning of the end.

I don’t want to be rich any longer. I just want a simple life. I want a place that’s kind. I want to be a simple man.

I want to be a simple man with a little peace of mind
Live a simple life, in a place that’s kind

I reflect on this today because it’s slow moving in the office. I sit in cubicle land again, and I am not severely depressed about my status, my job, or my life. I have my moments, but for once, I’m at peace. There’s a peace that surpasses understanding that humans have, and I’m starting to step into that world. I woke up with a cat with me, I woke up and did not feel depressed, and I woke up to a new beginning. A chance to succeed.

I can’t say that I know what’s coming, but I know what’s here and now. I am. Sid is. Ronnie is.

A friend recently sent me a Thanksgiving card. She said, “you’re only physically alone”, and it’s true. We aren’t together, we are far away, but I have friends, and family that are far away.

I am only physically alone.

Now that is a winning attitude. Too bad I’m sharing it with the abyss again.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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