Unfair questions start to permeate the conversation. I’ve been pushing towards being friends, following protocol, and seeing nothing in return. Friendship should not be one sided, right? I feel like this is one sided, as I text a lot. “I don’t really reach out to my friends”, and so I take initiative. I start to ask questions, draw pictures, be friendly, and then what? Silence?
I wrote a 9 page letter. The first line read, “this is not a love letter”. It took me a week to write it, and then it took me a week to muster up the courage to ask if she wanted it. She told me that asking made it sound like a love letter. I assured her it wasn’t. Then texting came to silence.
After some hours, I replied with a note that I threw it away.
Her response? Good.
One word, one word responses is what I was relegated to in this friendship, and I could not pull teeth here. Rewind three weeks and quotes that I was told, “I want to be your wife”, “I love you”, “you fill me up so good”, “I want to be here forever”, and then one word replies.
What do I do with that?
Then the anvil.
She’s been clear that the break up is permanent. She asked if we should stop communication, or rather if she should. It all came sliding to me, even though I was giving it my best shot to remain a friend here.
My heart sank.
What the hell did I do so wrong?
I read a lot about this kind of stuff, and the more I tried to draw out the information, the more I realized that this person is callous. They will not pander to reality, feelings, and emotions. Instead, they shut off, and instead they manipulate, and then pull the cord and snap your neck. What’s worse is that I was willing to change, I would have been great, but then again, who am I? What am I?
I will tell you this much, I threw out a lot of pieces of paper with names on them. I burned the letters given to me, and I will forever hate Fountain Square. Yeah, that’s right, Fountain Square gentrification and all, can go to hell in a hand basket. If I don’t ever have to set foot in that place, good, but I’ll probably skateboard in some of the alleys because there’s some nice spots. No, no, Fountain Square sucks, and I’m never going to go back.
If I catch her in the streets, then what? Say hello? Nod? I’m not even sure I want to do anything that remotely involves communication. I’m hurt.
I admit it.
I was hurt, burned, and now I have to pick up the pieces of a divorce, and a broken heart from someone that I let my guard down for?
“Do you even feel bad? Do you think of me?”
These are not unfair questions. These are respectful acknowledgements. Fine. If you can’t be mature enough to say yes or no, then why even try?
Why am I jealous of some guy in DC that is going to get to be with her? Why am I jealous of some dude in Kentucky that got her to love him, and yet abused her verbally. Why do I love? Why do I care?
Because I’m an idiot.
I’m a superfluous man. Not a good man. Not the one that fills her up, not the one she wants to marry, not the one that loved her, not the one that will help her, I’m a throwaway. I’m a drunken mistake. I’m the guy she will not think about or reach out to, and that hurts.
Not even friends.
What a world we live in.
When did hearts grow so cold, when did lies become truth? I didn’t make the first move. I didn’t say I love you first.
I am in Indianapolis, alone. With no friends. No sex, no love, no hands held, nothing. I’m a superfluous man. She proved it. She just let go like I was nothing. I meant nothing. I asked, she confirmed it.
Silence is all I get. That’s what I get for putting myself out there.
Smoke. Drink. Say goodnight to the bad guy.
Is that her?
Did she call?
No. She’s not the one coming back for you. She didn’t even apologize. Why are you sorry?
Why so sad?
You did nothing wrong, and yet why am I the one crying?
This is all just a realization that life goes on. Back to the dating world, back to the reality of a world that keeps telling me I’m ugly, even if I don’t believe it. I’m awesome, I’m great, and yet if she calls, I’d probably hear her out.
Then again, fuck her.
“Oh, the best part is leaving
‘cause maybe one day I’ll never come back again….”
I especially hate Indianapolis and Fountain Square because that’s where she lives and for every reason she loves it, I can’t stand Fountain Square!