Corona

It’s a lonely time. We are isolated. We are isolating.

I’m an over thinker.

I think way too much for my own good.

Today was good. The morning was met with a lot of understandings of what home is, and where I want to go. I started to think about finances and that calmed me, as I’m not stuck, but rather here for the time being. It’s a schism that I have to deal with after a divorce has left me reeling.

I’m healing.

Then something hit me. The good memories also come with the bad, and there are more good memories that I have than bad ones, even though the bad ones helped create the schism that has me living apart and away from my family and my ex-wife.

Do I move to Los Angeles?

Do I stay here?

No matter what the decision made is going to be, I have to consider the cost. Count the cost, they say, and I am counting it, and it’s far and away difficult to just pack up and get out of town. Moving is not so much an activity of transiton for me, as it would be giving up or walking away from what I am and who I am right now.

Am I Alone In Here?

I have no friends in Indianapolis except for my ex-wife. She’s my friend, we talk, but I try not to get too much involved in her world, as she is independent and it’s obvious she is doing better than I am.

Stop that, an online friend told me. The rear view is the rear view, start looking forward.

I can’t move. There is no money. It’s just me and my two cats in the circle city. I don’t want someone new. I don’t want to go back, but I’m stuck in a quick sand that seems to pull me down after revelations hit me. I was fine today. I was fine until I started to think about a movie.

Movies have a way of giving us hope, giving us peace, and then trashing us at the same. When I first saw “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, I felt heavy about it. I ran to my ex and told her, she wasn’t really big on movies, and so she didn’t really care. It hit me hard today, so I reached out, and I was talking about anxiety, and it was painfully obvious. She moved on.

I’m alone.

This is alone.

This city is lonely.

What is in my head?

I’m ugly.
I’m irrelevant.
I’m stupid.
I’m not worth being with.

All of these negative thoughts fill my cranium, and they are lies, right? Of course, I’ve been told many times. One friend told me that they would take a baseball bat to someone tha twould say such things to me, and well, I need her, and she’s off on a quest. Keep questing Ms. Bird, keep at it, but know that there’s a schism that I can’t seem to win today.

Remember The Bus?

Moving back, I’d give up a car. I’d give up a lot of things, but hey, my cats and I could survive without such luxuries, right? It’s an odd world out there, but in these hard times, there’s not much that can be done except to go backwards again?

No.

Let’s not think that way, my brain comes through the clouds to remind me that I have positives in my life. Where are these positives?

Job, security, food, insurance, and a place to live are just a few things to remember.

But for a romantic, what good are those things? What good are these things without love, one that you can touch, feel, and get bothered by? Where is the happy ever after?

It’s not coming, she’s not coming back, and I’m stuck in a cubicle yet again. Welcome to 2003, 2004, 2005, and welcome back to the life you had before you decided to move to Seattle.

Seattle…

“Secret signs and knowing looks
These sunny days will cook the books
Happy to take the misery
This mortal life can bring to me
Don’t like the look of this town
What goes up must come down
Character is lost and found on unfamiliar playing ground”

Where to now?

Anywhere but here.

Anywhere but here.

References

“Seattle” by PIL

“One Lonely Visitor” by Chevelle

Grau, Christopher. “” Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and the Morality of Memory.” The Journal of Aesthetics and Art Criticism 64, no. 1 (2006): 119-133.

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