A State of Grace

My therapist told me not to chase happiness.

Happiness is fleeting, she said. She said what I need is to find a sense of peace. I’m reminded of a song by Street Dogs, “State of Grace”. I think that there’s been a lot of ups and downs in my life that have been self-inflicted. Part of the issues I had in the past were involving drinking and the pursuit of trying to find women or a woman. When those things didn’t come to fruition, I had to settle for being myself.

But there were a lot of times where I hated myself.

I don’t hate myself, today.

Will I tomorrow? I don’t know.

P.O.D comes to mind, with their track “Will You”, and honestly, I can’t really say that tomorrow I’m going to love me, but I know that today I do tend to lean heavily into loving myself.

What does this life even mean to anyone?

To the religious it’s to serve God and spread the message.

But what if you’re not religious? What if you’re just here? What next?

Be good? What defines good?

I go to work, I come home, I go to bed. Outside of that there area few interests, but they are not taking up a great deal of my time. Is that to say that I’m boring, or bored? I think at times there are moments where I can definitely say, yes, I’m bored. But what do you do with that boredom?

I’m a writer by nature, I write like I breathe air, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll be making any moves in terms of financial gains. I won’t be making money with writing, any longer, and honestly I don’t want to go back to the hustle of freelancing. I did that for 9 years, and it took a lot to stay above water in many ways. Now, I need to focus on keeping a job, because I have bills to pay, 2 cats that rely on me, and my self worth at the helm of what I’m going through next. Either way, I’m not sure how to manage my time, and my efforts moving forward, but I know one thing, I’m definitely making moves, slow, steady, and boring moves.

The manifestation of things is an interesting ideal. I saw a friend of mine talking about that, and she claims that she’s able to bring things to life. Well, I kind of tried that, and failed, so does that mean I’m not good at it? Should I keep trying? I don’t know, but one thing is for sure, the machinations that I have aren’t playing out well.

I’ll hang a tv today.

I’ll work 8 hours.

I’ll dread going home, then be happy to go to sleep, and wake up at 5 in the morning, again.

I’m here. I’m nowhere, I’m somebody to 4 people, and let’s be honest, it’s not quantity, but quality right?

I could sure go for some quantity, though. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m fine.

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