There was a time when I was in love with hardcore and punk rock music. I still enjoy it, but not to the extent that I did when I was a young man. I still love it, just don’t want to go to every show or seek out every piece of merchandise. Suffice to say, I’m different, I’ve grown, I’ve matured.
One of the aspects that I adhered to for a long time was being straightedge. I stayed away from drugs, sex, alcohol, and even went vegan for a short time. Those things changed when I got a divorce in 2011, and started to just do whatever I felt like. I had gone through a tough divorce, my wife left me, and I was spiraling into depression and didn’t know how to be alone any longer. I then started to slowly dive into drinking, and a few years later would try medicinal marijuana.
Fast forward a few years and I had black outs. More than one, and drunken nights, and situations I do not want to remember or just cannot remember. Things really took a major swerve December 31, and January 1. I wrote about the event here, and while I did find myself enjoying drinks, and much more, I realize that I cannot be that person.
I fell into a deep chasm, depression, and manic state. I may be Bipolar 2, and I went through hell for around 6 days. I went to a doctor, I talked to my best friend Amanda (ex wife), friends that have bipolar disorder, my sister, my mom, and anyone that would listen. I told them I am going through some stuff mentally, and then to top it off, I caught the flu. Great, I told myself, I’m just falling apart at all levels. I even confessed my love for my ex, wrote her a letter, and deleted all my dating apps.
In the midst of going through all this, I connected many dots, and realized that drinking is one of my issues, and to stop from diving back into a depressive, manic state, I am going to return to my roots, and be straightedge. There are several reasons why I’m declaring edge, and the following are just my personal 5, because I can’t live my life the way I was, and need to go back to a different place where I am whole again.
- Drinking Sucks
I can’t drink any longer. I am on medications that don’t work well with drinking, and I have been playing it loose with it. I see now that I am not supposed to do that, and therefore I am quitting completely. Not one ounce, not one sip, nothing. I’m not going to drink.
- Drugs Aren’t An Issue
I’m not a drug user. I don’t use drugs, and never really have. I tried medicinal marijuana as a way to help me with anxiety and depression, but it did not work to the effect that I thought it would. It’s illegal in Indiana, so I don’t tempt fate, and I honestly don’t miss it or want it. I guess I’m the weird one?
- Hanging Out In Seedy Locations
I have been crawling back to my house, freezing, and wondering what was wrong with me, after drinking too much. I don’t want to live that life, and I don’t want to continue to risk being in a depressive state where I no longer have my faculties. That night I puked all over myself, and I pissed my pants, and I woke up naked on the floor of my home. I ruined my ex-wife’s car, and well, I still feel like I owe her for it. (Sorry Amanda)
- Positive Mental Attitude
Straightedge comes with the notion of a positive mental attitude. That’s something that I need more than ever. The notion of PMA is an interesting thing that I’ve started to embrace. Every band that I have listened to on a regular basis, has a positive note here and there, even if they aren’t straightedge overall. One example of this is the song, “One Life, Once Chance” by H20, which is one of my ultimate favorite songs.
- Going Back To My Roots
At the end of the day, I’m going to be returning to my roots. I’m going towards a place where I was happier, enjoyed my life, and didn’t have to drink, smoke, or do drugs. I also didn’t have to be anyone but myself. So I’m going back to my roots, and I am going to be edge, again.
That’s my latest rant, rave, whatever. I’ll be back sooner than later with reviews, and commentary from my life.